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skinny jeans are amazing. [22 Aug 2006|05:14am]
so last night i went to rosedale with courtney and we ended up going into the bebe store. i definitely did the unthinkable...i tried on the skinny jeans. and they fit and wre phenomenal.

so...i definitelyneed them for the first day of school...that and the crystal city shirts and the lilac cuff, my new hair job, new glasses, new black chucks, possibly new tattoo.

and for everyone who hasn't seen me cuz when do i ever socialize...i lost 40 lbs.

i AM motherfuckin CUTE.

now, it's off to work at the data entry gig, followed immediately by short shift at coffman. i am workin hard for the moneyz that always and forever don't even pretend to work hard for me.
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I've lived in bars and danced on tables... [21 Aug 2006|02:54am]
So, this weekend in an attempt to further my quest in weight loss and self betterment, i went on a 10k bike marathon thing that was cleverly titled "Booze Cruise." it started on some cross streets in uptown, to golden valley, downtown, northeast, and then finished at the sound undseen festival. however, along the way i somehow lost my cell phone from INSIDE MY FUCKING BAG.

recently ive been having relatively good luck. i got a job for fall at school and i have a temp job to make alot of money really fast. i was attempting to get my papers done for my summer classes from last year and my financial aid had come in. but i should have realized that good luck just doesn't last very long in my corner.

so here i sit after coming home from going out with a guy that i guess sorta liked me but he was all over a former sort of fling and that always makes me feel spectacular. so, maybe this whole cellphone loss is a good thing...it provides me with a chance to do a bit of purging. ive done it before and it always ends up a little lonely but i guess it's for the best as i never did very well with people do begin with.

p.s. im a little drunk again, but that is pretty much the subtitle of this summer...that and disappointing.

恋人よ、僕を忘れて。。。今全然帰れない。 [03 Jul 2006|05:03am]
i just broke up with someone for the first time. and im the one who is bawling uncontrollably. i am weak and don't deserve to be breathing.

he said i was a rare person to know....he's never been more wrong.
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Everybody knows almost doesn't count [15 Dec 2005|04:45am]
tonight i took out my lip ring. i know this seems quite trivial but im once again realizing that this fantasy of remaining 19 indefinitely is really pathetic and naive of me. no one takes me seriously as it is. im just one big fucking joke to everyone.

i can't speak japanese. too bad it's my major.
i had an 89% in that class before today's exam.
last night was the first i've slept in 3 days just because i couldn't and even when i do sleep i have no reason to open my eyes. it's always cold and dark in my apartment. even when the blinds are open. the only thing that fills the space in here is cigarette smoke and that is temporal.

i keep having these horrifying postmodern epiphanies as i call them and it is really starting to destroy my sense of self despite the fact that i never really had one to begin with. maybe im having a midlife crisis and ill die really young. too bad i'm too poor to buy a sports car, or food for that matter.

and what's worse is i can't articulate anything to anyone anymore. and no one would have the time or patience to deal with my lame head drama.

i remember a time when i would sit down and write something when i felt like this. i can't even find solace in that anymore.

there is nothing left here.
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After 2 drinks, you're a loser. After 3, you're a fuckin star... [09 Aug 2005|11:57pm]
here's is my outlook on life until further fucking notice:

I'm listening to recordings of crowds cuz the real thing is too horrifying. So I'll sit on the periphery of my bed and wait till it's all statuesque. Or maybe i'll make a halo of danedlions cuz it seems true and stroll around the concrete Elysian fields that line the electic city. But the flowers slip down my neck like a hooker living off the traces of an amphetamine sunrise and strangle me. One day the fields will be real and the movie credit skies won't be so revolting.


I'm way in over my head to even admit it.

im sitting at shelby's and everyone is watching some jew yell on the t.v. and i can't even do that. i have my headphones on...that,s fuckin sad. and now she's looking at this....PRIVACY YOU DYKE FACE
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I'm just sitting here alone, dreaming of the dolphin song... [06 Aug 2005|03:55pm]
Welllllll, this week has been retarded to the fuckin n-th degree. So Wednesday night I was attempting to study for my medieval Europe final and write 2 papers that are wayyyyyyyy overdue but in the lieteral span of an hour i got a 104 temperature and starting vomitting...blood was present in it as well. But what made it really funny was I said to Keri in a very deluded fashion,"Well shit, there went dinner." I'm funny went not fully conscious.

Went to both classes and had panic attacks in both which prompted both instructors to give me Incompletes and excessive extensions to make up everything. I feel really bad being kinda nuts and inconveniencing them but it is my own fault that I adamantly refuse to get help for stuff. Oh well, extra time to write about faggoty Rome and study more about nation states in 15th century Europe I guess.....hoorah for all parties involved.

I had to work at 6 that evening. So I roll in late due to that fuckin art fair. I now hate artists when I am trying to be punctual...fuckin jews. So i get in 10 minutes late and I was assigned zone 1 which is in the very front of the store where the sunlight is intensified because of these 8 foot windows that line the face of the building, so I was essentially dying of heat. I could even feel beads of sweat travelling down my spine and sliding into my asscrack. It was horrifying. So I was sensoring this new shipment of really hot sunglasses when it hit me and I basically bellow at my manager," I'm going to the bathroom." But it was really bad cuz she had this look of absolute horror since I'm usually well spoken and polite and all. So I bolt to the back, in the process telling this dyke that she looked like shit, rush in the bathroom, slam the door, and completely fuckin lose it. I stayd bawling in there for at least a good 45 minutes. The manager finally figures out what is sort of wrong with me between convulsive breathing and sobs and says,"Honey, get the hell out of here and get some rest." It was like the nicest thing anyone had said to me all day as opposed to 'get well' or 'just lighten up.'

Niggers, FUCK YOU.

Those two commands are alot fuckin easier said that mother f'in done. So I went home and just crashed for a while. It was nice.

I got my le Petit Prince tat of the fox with "Je pleurerai..." underneath. It's fuckin adorable. That's about it that day.

TOday, I guess a work time change wasn't truly finalized and no one had taken it so Caroline had to assume responsibility of it and decided now it was the perfect time to do a no-show and get fired. Way to go, you go girl! So work has been calling me to come in, but I just checked outside and it's really mother jewin' hot out. I really need the money to pay off my credit card(only 800 to go) and to maybe, ya know, buy those food things. but that is where we stand thus far.
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I could take this in doses large enough to fuckin kill [27 Jul 2005|07:12pm]
i hate niggers. so that is why i threw a caesar salad with ranch at one of their cars....it was HILLARIOUS.

in other news...i got a powerbook, HP 5 and 6, some hot shirts, awesome movies, new cotton candy pink plugs, and i might get my other tattoo....i really want it like whoa. nothing deep, miserable, or profound today.

give me a few hours and i'll have an arsenal.

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[07 Jul 2005|02:00am]

i miss you.
your eyes may never be opened to the impact you had on my life.
an impact in which i am truly grateful.

lets rock sometime.


I have never hated someone as much as I hate you, Adam. Because you have made me realize the things that are too horrifying to grapple with during the day. I now know that some people are truly meant to live alone and be content with that. But there is still one fact that everyone needs to come to terms with:


I don't care if you can't understand that for linguistic reasons or what not. The unbelievable part is that you told me you can't deal with my "world is against me" attitude. Do you know why I have successfully adopted and employ that Adam? Because people have disappointed me enough that I had to learn one can only rely on one's self in order to survive. [thisisnaturalselection] So repremand me for behaving so, and repremand me for wanting you in my life. But don't you dare for falling for you. alloveraGain.

I'm weak and don't have emotional faculties to deal with normal problems. But I do know this now:

Tonight is one of those evenings when your eyes will be the red color
of the wine you can not afford. And that idea makes you tear your stomach
out because now the waves of sleep will be just that much more violent.

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There will be teeth in your breath [30 Apr 2005|05:22am]
I just found an unreleased Garbage song from a while ago that I am in love with. it's about being 13, and although i would dread to relive those days, but through that woman's voice it seems almost feasable.

I had a manic day where i just laid in bed all and vascilated from sleep to uncontrollable sobbing. i thought nothing was bothering me recently, but i guess i'm fairly decent at denial. it all culminated with me using a razor and in this trance state cutting most of my hair off. i didn't think i just grabbed and sliced. i guess it's better than bodily mutilation, cuz that's never attractive.

but neither is ugly hair. oh well

on a side note....shelby, you are one of my best buds. and even though i may be crazy and evasive, i value your existance more than my own. i tip my glass to you and dedicate the song you have yet to hear....

"Thirteen" Garbage

Won't you let me walk you home from school
Won't you let me meet you at the pool
Maybe Friday I can
Get tickets for the dance
And I'll take you

Won't you tell your dad, "Get off my back"
Tell him what we said about "Paint It, Black"
Rock 'n Roll is here to stay
Come inside where it's okay
And I'll shake you.

Won't you tell me what you're thinking of.
Would you be an outlaw for my love
If it's so, well, let me know
If it's "no," well, I can go.
I won't make you.
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When your eyes closed, i felt my little heart attack [14 Apr 2005|01:14pm]
Ok, so i just discovered that rainer maria has posted new material on myspace...ive been listening to it for the past 2 hours. they are simply breath taking to me, even in their simplicity.

Onward and onward

As we walked though the gulch of sex eyed sirens and cancer cupids

i know it sounds cheap

I could swear I felt your hand in my back pocket. You left an imprint just like you did on my vision on supermarket romances. Galloping ahead on your swiss army knife legs,

i know it sounds cheap

i felt you were never coming back. So I sit here in the house of leaves we glued together of sunflower stems and websilk. Looking through a window it's enough that those dolls of disease know I'm here just as it's enough that you feel the same. Things are better left in shambles. You could never hold onto my memory as long as I can never let go of forever.

But I'll find comfort in the sad songs of the narcissistic choir, vomiting arias about your eyes in the morning, fingers constricting mine, and the deafening sound of sheets retreating from your birth bed. Until the gentle breeze,

i know it sounds cheap

when these rumors are laid to waste.

Why'd ya have to get up and put your coat on? [09 Apr 2005|02:31am]
I accomplished one thing this week....doing 3 motnhs worth of laundry.

THANK YOU FAITH AND SHELBY!!! end of story there, you girls are the best.

i saw an old friend tonight. it feels weird and tense around him cuz we have nothing in common. absolutely nothing, but i can't decide if that's a bad thing. i do find it humorous that i had a crush on him when i first met him. he's cute, funny, and just a decent guy to be around. but once again, i'm not his type. or anybody's type for that matter and that's ok i guess. but that's for another time altogether.
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There's something about hallways [03 Apr 2005|05:45pm]
There are hallways wallpapered with endless failures, words flung down them without the expected and familiar reply. Instead, you collide with a hollow sound, maybe a voice, maybe even your own. However, you are not startled though cuz in the waning hours of the day, your mumbling mouth assumes that hallway's form and the footsteps travelling its length mean absolutely nothing.

And that's the most horrifying thought of all.

The histories they have etched and the events to unfold in the crosseyed theater of onlookers are worth as much as the hair you brush from your eyes. So sleepyhead, worry not, lay down in your mattress of permeating odors and secrets.

One day, fingertips will trip over themselves dialing that series of numbers that stains a corner of your belly. And the words will drip from your lips forming phrases, silences punctuating those syllables like a spinning bullet. And I hope you can evoke enough bravery to simply say," I've murdered others with shards of indifference, the way you did me."

Go to bed sleepyhead.

I knew one day i'd leave....i just hoped it wouldn't be so lonely [18 Mar 2005|05:15am]
here i sit at 5am, dreaming of starlit nights drowning in a sea of eyes i will never glimpse into
tokyo at 2 am
but instead my dimly lit apartment that feels more like a coffin with wooden floors
in a graveyard, bodies that could easily pass for corpses, breathing patterns not indicative of life pulsing through their veins. but they are suspending their disbelief with sleep....i envy their stalemated battles with the dogs of indifference and the jackals of ignorance. they battle them everyday with their militias in black sweatshirts and chunky shoes.

the smoke stings my eyes and makes charred fields of my insides, but it's all i have. i wonder if one of these bodies would mind if i laid down beside it. i could play dead, i'm playing it now. cuz by the time the fires reach the filter and send the intoxicating/incriminating scent of failure billowing into the air, i will forget what i write. in the time that you breathe, the one that truly matters the most, i will realize that you do not need me. by the time this sad piano string halts, i will realize that i need a doctor and that the skin that peaks out from your shirt isn't mine to steal a gaze at.

i have forgotten the point to this - was it confessional or merely a way to pretend articulation to mark the minutes that pass over me like a grinning phantom. but she'll never know because in an hour's passing it won't mean anything, even to me. and that's the part that is a dagger drawing portraits in my sides, the most beautiful kind -


your mouth mumbles words in the language of sleep but my eyes ask, who put this space between us -

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I decided to take the hooker instead [23 Sep 2004|03:15pm]
Over at the 'brook...waiting for pizza to arrive to greedily consume. got back the first pre-ghnjaghbka east asian history quiz...5 out of 5 whore...however, the same can not be said for the modern japanese history quiz...the fucker....ghasokjghkahgikashgvkjfnbgvjdahbgqa
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[19 Sep 2004|03:17pm]
this thing don't work...i just tried to update and it deleted the fucker
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It's just a simple line [19 Sep 2004|03:07pm]
I'm a horrible person, end of story...i didn't go visit mary at work. but my motive was to chill with her and talk to her boss about getting a job there cuz hot topic licks my guiche with a razor. my friend brit and i decided we were gonna go to lunch since she has a medical prob that could turn out to be an indefinite sort of thing so itll be a while before i get to see her. kanashisoo da yo.

i keep stealing pants...bad habit...but they're really hot. sevens are the best pants EVER.

school blows except for japanese...i understand what morita and nishikawa sensei are saying but saying shit back is harder cuz im not in the "japanese" state of mind yet...yet is the operative word, cuz come spring semester...tookyoo, watashi ga kimasu yo!!

i got a credit card cuz my band card was mysteriously consumed by teh ATM, so i think ive accumulated a 70-100 dollar bill....oops. wont be too hard to pay back though. i just need to establish some sort of decent credit report as because of my dipshit mom, financial aid might be non-existant this semester...loans...jesus tap dancing-christ.

need to look for a laptop...brit had this foxy little number...i covet it real good.

waiting for andrew to bring his ass over...scoping new marshal fields territory in st. paul. stealing is bad eric. that is my mantra as im trying them on and fuck myself...cuz id fuck me.

nned to read a shit load tonight and it will happen bitches, i tell you! see, not all of my entries are emo...just really sparse...
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If there's one thing you need to know it's this - I am trying to ruin our hearts [31 Jul 2004|09:14pm]
[ mood | sleeping with a loaded rifle ]

Saturday night - 912

i adore taking back sunday's new album...i started to tear up over number 6. i hate this journal, i have nothing postworthy except heartache, sullen-ness, and late nights that bleed into daylight.

i got a C+ on a japanese test...maybe im not cut out for this stuff. i blame it on the etiquette lesson we had right before the exam...when the test was returned i answered every fucking question correctly. i just feel bad for Nishikawa and Fujimoto sensei cuz i am dumb and they really try to teach us.

i blew 45 bucks at work today on shirts and cd's. why do i spend money on clothes...i dont think im trying to impress anymore since no one likes me. i guess its just the idea of trying to look nice, i fail at that alot.

i could really go for some mango iced tea and a cigarette. im just too lonely to leave my apt. and too sad to be alone.

Tonight won't make a difference, as this note won't make a difference.

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here's your hostage, there's no meaning of life [26 Jun 2004|06:52pm]
michelle told me she went to pride...why the fuck do straight women desire to go to pride? christ, i dont even have pride.

i hope all gay men know that their pride is what keeps them getting killed and tied to fences.

gay guys should have only one day of pride...so that way way they have to go back into hiding in teh closet.

and i'm done
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I'm noticing the dirt and it hurts that you left... [28 May 2004|05:02am]
i'm sitting in the comupter lab in my apartment complex and im watching the sunrise. these are the moments that i ask is it even worth it? i find myself saying no and i have no justification to say otherwise. im 18 and ive dated a single guy in my entire fuckin life for only a month and a half because i stopped caring after that. adam was convenient for rides and nothing else. when i was around him i felt hollow and not good enough for him. just like every other guy on teh face of the earth. but i shouldn't be surprised should i. i wanted to turn out like this. a faggot. and to top it off one that isnt an abercrombie model. this is why i wish i were straight or could at least summon the fuckin balls to pretend. i would at least have the most minute chance of finding someone to at least liek me for me. and i don't know why now of all the fuckin times it could happen, im tearing up. and there is someone else in the room too. hopefully he won't look over. i never want people to see me like this. weak and pathetic. and i know it sounds even worse that i whine about being single but i always feel alone. only when im with lisa or michelle do i even feel a little better but we always have to part ways cuz im not fit to be around for long. and it gets increasingly harder and harder to be on my own. and of course my friends that i had made became more distant and less loqucious towards the end of the semester. why do i even bother. and i didnt fuck up again on my typing and put a period. its not meant to be a question to anyone who actually bothers reading this, its a personal statement to myself saying you are worthless. self-depreciating at its finest huh kids...or just eric.

i went out to smoke a cigarette and almost fell over i got so light headed. if i had i would have stayed on teh ground for at least an hour. i know why i always cower to sleep when everything becomes too real - its 2-8 hours that i don't deal with the stupid fucking reality that i should have stayed with my dad in a place where i would never have met anyone to begin with. a place where i was too weird and fucked up for anyone to even approach. instead of here where i do talk to people but then i find out that im not good enough for them or something. and at this point i would take my dad's violent alcoholism over being lonely.

i went out with a really nice guy on wed afternoon before i went to work for lunch. we talked of music and our general animocity towards gay men. he didnt call back to hang out tonight. big fucking surprise...i expect too much from everyone

and im sorry im a horrible friend. to the 4 that this concerns

ill probably delete this in a day when i realize how much of a whiny faggot i am, so sorry to the 2 people who read this.
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And then we left them and drove into a snowstorm [15 May 2004|02:37am]
hung out with toots this eve and saw mean girls, god lindsay lohan has a great rack. shes really hot too, like wow, i didnt think they made them like that anymore. but it was a very well made movie, especially since it was written by a current member of the SNL line-up. good job tina fey.

also got 2 of the 3 grades for skool:
Japanese - A, thank god, i really worked for it this semester
Poetry - A- ... the instructor can lick my balls, but whatever
Astronomy - to be continued....

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